I am Crusty Wafflechunks

The following is excerpted from a children's book, Captain Underpants And the Perilous Plot Professor Poopypants, by Dave Pilkey, in which the evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names... 

So:

1. Use the third letter of your first name to determine your New first name: 

a = snickle 

b = doombah 

c = goober 

d = cheesey 

e = crusty 

f = greasy 

g = dumbo 

h = farcus 

i = dorky 

j = doofus 

k = funky 

l = boobie 

m = sleezy 

n = sloopy 

o = fluffy 

p = stinky 

q = slimy 

r = dorfus 

s = snooty 

t = tootsie 

u = dipsy 

v = sneezy 

w = liver 

x = skippy 

y = dinky 

z = zippy 

2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name: 

a = dippin 

b = feather 

c = batty 

d = burger 

e = chicken 

f = barffy 

g = lizard 

h = waffle 

i = farkle 

j = monkey 

k = flippin 

l = fricken 

m = bubble 

n = rhino 

o = potty 

p = hamster 

q = buckle 

r = gizzard 

s = lickin 

t = snickle 

u = chuckle 

v = pickle 

w = hubble 

x = dingle 

y = gorilla 

z = girdl e 

3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name: 

a = butt 

b = boob 

c = face 

d = nose 

e = hump 

f = breath 

g = pants 

h = shorts 

i = lips 

j = honker 

k = head 

l = tush 

m = chunks 

n = dunkin 

o = brains 

p = biscuits 

q = toes 

r = doodle 

s = fanny 

t = sniffer 

u = sprinkles 

v = frack 

w = squirt 

x = humperdinck 

y = hiney 

z = juice