I am Crusty Wafflechunks

The following is excerpted from a children's book, Captain Underpants And the Perilous Plot Professor Poopypants, by Dave Pilkey, in which the evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names... 

So:

1. Use the third letter of your first name to determine your New first name: 

a = snickle 

b = doombah 

c = goober 

d = cheesey 

e = crusty 

f = greasy 

g = dumbo 

h = farcus 

i = dorky 

j = doofus 

k = funky 

l = boobie 

m = sleezy 

n = sloopy 

o = fluffy 

p = stinky 

q = slimy 

r = dorfus 

s = snooty 

t = tootsie 

u = dipsy 

v = sneezy 

w = liver 

x = skippy 

y = dinky 

z = zippy 

2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name: 

a = dippin 

b = feather 

c = batty 

d = burger 

e = chicken 

f = barffy 

g = lizard 

h = waffle 

i = farkle 

j = monkey 

k = flippin 

l = fricken 

m = bubble 

n = rhino 

o = potty 

p = hamster 

q = buckle 

r = gizzard 

s = lickin 

t = snickle 

u = chuckle 

v = pickle 

w = hubble 

x = dingle 

y = gorilla 

z = girdl e 

3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name: 

a = butt 

b = boob 

c = face 

d = nose 

e = hump 

f = breath 

g = pants 

h = shorts 

i = lips 

j = honker 

k = head 

l = tush 

m = chunks 

n = dunkin 

o = brains 

p = biscuits 

q = toes 

r = doodle 

s = fanny 

t = sniffer 

u = sprinkles 

v = frack 

w = squirt 

x = humperdinck 

y = hiney 

z = juice 

Pizza and Police

"What do you expect of from country where Pizza delivery arrives faster than ambulance and police?", said Sheikh Rashid on a TV interview. That is startlingly true! Just goes to show what our priorities are. 99.9% of the country is bent toward the will and whims of the remaining one thousandth. 

The Seven New Deadly Sins

In March the Vatican updated the traditional seven deadly sins with seven new social sins, to bring the list in to line with the temptations of the modern world. The additions:

1. bioethical sins,
2. morally dubious experiments that harm human embryos,
3. drug abuse,
4. polluting,
5. social injustice,
6. accumulating excessive wealth, and
7. creating poverty

(Time Magazine, Nov 10, 2008)

How not to die

"So I'll tell you now: bad shit is coming. It always is in a startup. The odds of getting from launch to liquidity without some kind of disaster happening are one in a thousand. So don't get demoralized. When the disaster strikes, just say to yourself, ok, this was what Paul was talking about. What did he say to do? Oh, yeah. Don't give up."

http://www.paulgraham.com/die.html

Paper cuts: The Rooster Coop

Adiga's rooster coop (from White Tiger) reminds me of Hamid's air conditioning (from Moth Smoke). But Adiga has won a Booker, so it's not just the coop. Or the accompanying poop. I like how his writing flows effortlessly and without taking itself too seriously. It's endearingly believable, despite the caricaturing and parodies. 

 "When you get here, you'll be told we Indians invented everything from the Internet to hard-boiled eggs to spaceships before the British stole it all from us.

 Nonsense. The greatest thing to come out of this country in the ten thousand years of its history is the Rooster Coop.

 Go to Old Delhi, behind the Jama Masjid, and look at the way they keep chickens there in the market. Hundreds of pale hens and brightly colored roosters, stuffed tightly into wire-mesh cages, packed as tightly as worms in a belly, pecking each other and shitting on each other, jostling just for breathing space; the whole cage giving off a horrible stench - the stench of terrified, feathered flesh. On the wooden desk above this coop sits a grinning young butcher, showing off the flesh and organs of a recently chopped-up chicken, still oleaginous with a coating of dark blood. The roosters in the coop smell the blood from above. They see the organs of their brothers lying around them. They know they're next. Yet they do not rebel. They do not try to get out of the coop.

 The very same thing is done with human beings in this country.

 ...

 Because Indians are the world's most honest people, like the prime minister's booklet will inform you?

 No. It's because 99.9% of us are caught in the Rooster Coop just like those guys in the poultry market.

 The Rooster Coop doesn't always work with minuscule sums of money. Don't test your chauffeur with a rupee coin or two - he may well steal that much. But leave a million dollars in front of a servant and he won't touch a penny of it... He's no Gandhi, he's human, he's you and me. But he's in the Rooster Coop.

 ...

 Never before in human history have so few owed so much to so many. A handful of men in this country have trained the remaining 99.9 per cent - as strong, as talented, as intelligent in every way - to exist in perpetual servitude; a servitude so strong that you can put the key of his emancipation in a man's hands and he will throw it back at you with a curse."

Baggy eyes

I just noticed that I don't have any bags under my eyes! I can't remember the last time I didn't have bags. It seems that I've always had them... sometimes they get baggier, and serve testament to all the hard work and sleepless nights and anxiety and tension and stress and so on and so forth. They prove that I am alive. I am a man. And I toil and struggle. But no bags at all? What does that mean?

Could it mean something good?

This must be an accurate measure of healthiness. Some people measure their gut (or lack thereof), or their blood pressure, or use any number of medically derived, currently in fashion techniques. I will now rely on my bags (or lack thereof). My holistic measure of health.

World's highest standard of living

Hey, are these people coming in or going out? :)

Just thinking of you

"Maybe when you are a kid life is still so full of wonder that there can be no real surprises, because almost everything is a surprise. Or perhaps children just adapt faster than adults." (Tony Parsons, Man and Boy)

I've been wondering how Faiz deals with these long separations? Is he so used to it now that it seems normal to him? We decided that Faiz should stay with Mehvesh because she's been more of a constant in his life, and the fewer the disruptions, the better. But I miss him. And he misses me too (he's always cranky after web-caming). Does it make sense to him that I go away for so long? Does he sense that something is wrong?

We hope he won't remember this time, or at least won't be permanently 'damaged' by it. But who's to say? It will probably shape him in one way or another. We're bearing so many sacrifices for a better tomorrow, a better life. But are we forgetting that this is life? And if it's not the life we desire then we should change it now. For now.

Someday

When I'm awfully low,

When the world is cold,

I will feel a glow

Just thinking of you,

And the way you look tonight.

Why I love Islamabad

Because there is an outdoors where you can breathe. And it's green and hilly. And I can go biking! Goal is to make it up to daman-e-koh (translation: lap of the mountain) -- a lookout above the Margalla hills in Islamabad. I made it 2/3rds of the way this morning; had to stop just before the final big climb (pic below).

Google's Blue Screen of Death

I never thought I'd see the day, but here's Google Chrome's blue screen of death. All I was doing was trying to compose an email (and indent a copy-posted HTML table -- but who cares?).

What do I mean?

Kazi bhai has always been eager to give me a middle name. He's always used 'Naeem B Ahmed' where the B stands for Bollocks. Not really, but we were wondering what my middle could/should be, and I remembered that I used to be 'Naeem Hasan Ahmad' till I was twelve years old! So I looked up the meaning of my name(s), and here is what I found:

Naeem: happiness, comfort, benevolent

Hasan: good, nice, handsome

Ahmad: honored, praiseworthy

Hmm... so does Hasan add anything beyond the obvious? He he. Maybe I should use Ihtisham (modest) instead. But 'Naeem Hasan Ahmed' has a nice ring to it. Too much hassle to change one's name though.

A new economic system for Pakistan?

Muhammad Ali Jinnah, in his inaugural address on the opening of the State Bank of Pakistan said :

 "The economic system of the West has created almost insolvable problems for the humanity and to many of us it appears that only a miracle can save it from disaster that is now facing the world. It has failed to do justice between man and man, and to eradicate friction from the international field. On the contrary, it was largely responsible for the two world wars in the last half century. The Western world inspite of its advantages of mechanization and industrial efficiency is today in a worse mess than ever before in history. The adoption of western economic theory and practice will not help us in achieving our goal of creating  happy and contented people. We must work our destiny in our own way and present to the world and economic system based on true Islamic concepts of equality of man and social justice. We will thereby be fulfilling our mission as Muslims and giving to humanity the message of peace which alone can save it and secure the welfare, happiness and prosperity of mankind."